FML

today is seriously not my day, should have stayed at home and not talk so much, cant be bothered to describe the whole ordeal again but i felt every so lonely, sombre, depressed,ached, angsty on my way home, tears just trickled down my eyes profusely, eyes was sore, nose was blocked, so furious till I was kinda like gasping for air, and i just walked barefooted cuz my braided sandals had no groove and it was raining. I cannot believe that history would repeat itself, I never felt so lonely and depressed since then.

WHY CANT I HAVE UNDERSTANDING PARENTS?!

I, JOLYN, FULL GETTIT THAT THEY LOVE ME ALOT BLABLABLA, THEY WORRY, HENCE, I NEED TO BE HOME EARLY, I CANNOT GO OUT OFTEN, I NEED MY REST. but seriously, i am not tired, with the right company, im having fun, im enjoying, i don't feel tired.  im like some party pooper, the first to leave, the last to reach, like who will wanna miss out all the fun, who will want to dampen people's spirit, i mean like, im not damn pops or damn outcast but obviously, if one leaves earlier, is like not brooder enough kind, is like might as well u dun come and spoil the whole freaking event...
and hello? im like 17? i tot my parents love to compare me with other kids? they love to compare how other parents treat them like recently my mum just told me that there's a kid whose blanket will get throwed by her mum if she does not folds them.. ya. so freaking compare me with them now. other kids out there has relax curfew since after o's? they don't have to feebly ask their parents for permission to go for this that this. fancy a 17 yr old, who has to reach home before 9 plus ? and sometimes even is restricted and limited to a a max of 2 hours. and not being able to go out at most days.

THEN THEY WILL ARGUE THIS: why I did not accompany them to visit their mothers and so on, why im only interested in my stuffs. HELLO, OBVIOUSLY. LOOK.  teachers, everybody also told us to pick the course we like, the course we are interested etc. obv, who will favour things they hate. I mean like my grandma's birthday(dad's side) and my bestie's birthday was on the same day, obv, without any hesitation, i would go to my bestie's birthday even if is my grandma's wedding day or some big big birthday kind of thing. oh wateva. Like so wad if is family ties, my blood runs in them and dont runs in my friends, so what? I dont feel attach to them, i mean i will cry even more if my bestie dies then my grandma(father's side) dies. Like its just awkwardness, weird atmosphere, strangery, acquaintanie feel. THEN THEY WILL ARGUE THIS: when u need help, ur family will help u, like funerals, wedding, nobody is gonna attend, u think ur friends will give u 100000 if u need it urgently? etc" SO WHAT, THIS IS REALITY WAD, I MEAN LIKE MONEY IS SENSITIVE AND SINCE MY BESTIES ARE NOT FAMILY BLOOD LINE THINGY, THEY WONT HELP SO WHAT, SO WHAT IF NOBODY ATTENDS MY FUNERAL OR WEDDING.  I don't really care, i mean, cuz i dont even feel attach to them? i will feel sad la, but not like depressed or wateva, i just wanna enjoy my life and try to make choices which I like, which i favour, which I enjoy and not get leashed like some dog being fed with a few choices that is preferred by my parents. Im not saying they always restrict me but most of the times, there are times where surprisingly they will give in. But these few times where they make such a fuss out of it which is fucking annoying and obviously, i will rebel and turn hateful and start to forget those few mini times where they were suibian. But wateva, i know this is life, but I just kinda feel so sorry for myself at times, not being able to enjoy much more when others cant, maybe im greedy, but what i know is that i really wanna get out of this freaking place asap and make more choices that i like, okay. i will be sad to leave my parents, no more getting pocket money, more things to worry, burdened, but at least im exposed, at least I can make more choices, I can choose.

yup, so actually, went i left them, i cried secretly, cuz huiling whispered to me isit cuz ur dad, nvm, anything tell me la then she hugged me, gosh it was damn touching, likewise in my previous post, just a mere aquaintany friend kind will even say something ever so sincere which really crept up to my heart and melted it. Huiling and I aren't that close and were just like accquainatish friendish. The molly, kelly, julie all out of a sudden came and followed me, was super taken aback cuz i tot when i cried I was back facing them and all, but oh well, i think i shouldnt be too ego, sometimes being ego is not that good, making u more depressed, and molly and julie gave me a group hug<3 really touched <3 no matter how sucky nx time i think they are or wateva, i will really treasure them and help them. "Friend in need is a friend needed" when i was young, I didnt understand this statement, but now i truly understand it, I used to childishly think that people who needs help are always my friends but is not the case, i believe is something like whenever a friend needs help or comfort, and one being sincere, lending a hand, is indeed a true best friend, is the sincere, comforting feel offered by ur friend. <3 really thank god for all of them. My poly life is sucky, but I met true friends which is the best stamina pills to keep me going on with life. suddnly, i feel drifted apart from my sec friends, and np kiddos, kinda feels empty but yup, i have them, and this is just part and parcel of life.





Hopefully one day, they can let me go bit by bit.