02012013

fuck this shit man. seriously. damn buay tahan of this period of tormenting life i needa go through. as i was writing out some maec notes. my dad came in and started complaining then i only knw how to bs and play com and all, and didnt play the piano. what the fuck. seriously. it was the holidays right, i totally need a break, and piano is like, u need feel to play, if im unhappy, i hv no feel, i will just anyhow play and sulk through the practice, im barely not even practicing since im not even enjoying and putting in the feelings for my pieces. fuck this to the max. and i told him before that my mum always does that, and that will like make me hate piano even more, fucking feel like smashing the keyboard and burn this burden instrument.

my studies are all in the mess and they only know how to ask here ask there, nag here nag there, why cant u jus leave me alone in peace. i need a break alright. i hv already spent my precious dec holidays going china wif u all and like bonded wif u all, it was seriously a fucking waste of time and i fucking didnt enjoy it, i had to put on a brave smile, that stupid fucking fake mask and look as if i enjoyed the whole fucking trip. what kind of life is that man. my holiday breaks are not enough alr and i seriously need a long escapade away from this shit life.....

exams

I failed my piano exam. i kinda expected it but im really very sad about it cuz i know i really practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced until there s no end. and i got a super bad feeling that i will fail my poa and have to re take my module. Endless tears just keeps trickling down and trickling down like non stop. supposedly had a dinez date with my friends today but i just cancelled it, i think im gonna sulk for a year again. so many freaking things happen this year, if you think positively, they are very very good stepping stones for me to grow and mature, but if you think negatively, they are just pieces of shitz that pile up that make you depress like shit. im taught and mould to think positively but I just can help thinking the negative side, trying my best to hold back my tears and all, but I just cant stop feeling ashame of myself. I feel so damn freaking guilty towards my parents and my piano teacher, piano is sooo damn freaking expensive and like think my dad just throwed like 10k plus into the sea for only my grade 8 exam, and my teacher... yeah.. and so many people knew i took piano exam and then if i told them i failed, is like ...

anyway, the shit feeling im having now, is not the first time, psle, olevels, sam. yeah, it happened thrice. Now, the feeling is somewhat numb now and i just cant wait to leave this freaking earth.

Piano Exam

screwed for my piano exam. as in really screwed. not those kind whereby people say their exams are damn screwed cuz they did not study and all or they did not know how to do many questions, did not understand all the qns etc. when i say im screwed for an exam, i really did a very very very very very very very bad job, infinte amount of "verys" cannot describe my performance just now:(

it was atrocious, outrageous, a failure, disappointing. I was not even a befitting grade eighter at all. I lacked confidence in all my pieces, scales, sight readings and aural:( I kept rubbing my hands and sweeping my hair away from my face. The most confidence piece, (twist in polka), which i thought i will not and will never make any obvious mistakes when I showcased that piece during the exam, was very much a disappointment too. I repeated a few bars because I played wrong notes and I had many many slips:( actually was quite proud of my scales, just that I played the wrong chromatic scales which that ang mo told me to replay. She only told me to replay once for the chromatic and not other scales and appregios so I assume the rest i played are correct, or maybe not... can't really remember cuz i was very nervous and my confidence was far far away from me :( aural was the worse i think, totally sang out of tune and did not understand her strong ang mo slang, and i was too nervous to focus or asked her to repeat. After the whole ordeal ended, I sprang out of the room and immediately cried.. yeah.. shameful:( then my dad was like what happen and all..

I HATE IT WHEN PPL ASKED ME QNS WHEN IM KRYING?! YOU WANT ME TO REPLY YOU AT THIS POINT OF TIME?! SO STRESSED UP ALREADY AND THEN KEEP BOMBING ME WIF SO MANY QNS. OBVIOUSLY EVERYTHING WAS SCREWED SO I KRIED RIGHT?! THEN WHAT! THE ANG MO BULLIED ME AND GAVE ME A SCOLDING?! RIDICULOUS LA.

People should be more sensitive and have better softskills, or probably is just my father, or probably cuz he is a guy, or probably cuz every typical parent is like this, oh well... i dont know. But whut i know is that, when i kry in school due to poor results, my friends will just comfort me and not ask me any silly qns like "WHAT HAPPEN?" "WHAT DID YOU WENT WRONG" "DID YOU DO YOUR BEST" ETC. 

so yeah.. in the car. I just anyhow bombed him that I dun understand what the person was toking, so he started giving me a mini lecture abt how i always bochap things. wts ttm. then back at home, obviously, my swollen eyes gave me away and my mum started asking what happen again(obviously i flung the exam) then my dad was like she everything also bochap, nv ask the ang mo what she is toking, dk wad "zi zuo zi shou" etc. I was at a rage and just yell at him that whut i said was to shut him off! then he started saying that he didnt know that and what i lied to him balbalbala. wheres ur eq dad?! probably in np, they really thought us good softskills, my eq is kinda high(ithink), so obviously i will be disgusted if ppl's eq are not up to my eq la. cuz eq to mee is kinda common sense. so when my dad was nagging outside the living room i just pushed my index finger to my ear hole to block the sound( yeah, try it, it really works), and took deep breaths.

Thereafter, my parents and I went to fetch chuwen from cjc, really fascinated to be in the carpark of a jc though. we headed to sasa's house for her ah ma's wake it was also my first time attending a wake that is held in a house. her aunties were all very friendly and all even though sasa and her mum was not there. apparently, sasa's cuzzies recognised me:) teehee. kinda shocked and they look so tan and pweety <3  ketchup wif chuwen and sasa, it was really really good, like heartwarming kind of feeling. We went to the playground and chill and all. h2h talks are always the best! it somehow cured my disappointment for my piano exam just now:) oh! and sasa's mummy spilt out all those secrets to my mum and dad so yeah, kinda not feel special anymore, I tot i was the only special person who knows all about sasa's family secrets but now my parents knows too, oh well..

Oh! And i bot this neon lime skirt from lrh! Is super super pretty but damn scared it looked kinda "hardcore" on me! Ohwellllll

Teary day

thou day started wet and lazy. 

 watched yi nan wang from 10.30-12.30am, there were many scenes that were quite touching, though is an oldie and lao ahpek kind of show, but oh well, the plot is just too happening! Hahaha, i bet might family will not end up so complicated like that, i bet there are not many families out there with such complicated relationships too. Hence, I cried during that 2 hour drama, luckily my mum went to school, THAT WAS WHY I MEANT MY DAY WAS WET! 

Apparently, my mum is learning english, yeah! at some amk cc. hip right she! thanks guys:) the way she pronounce her el is quite comical, sometimes she will ask me how to pronounce this and that but after telling her the pronunciation, she pronounced it otherwise, and the tone and pronunciation is super duper comical! there's a chinese saying"huo dao lao, xue dao lao", kinda proud that she is learning english, but that means I cannot like text in front of her/write notes or whatever nots cuz she will be able to understand, hahah still rmb those days when i conversed wif my friends about guys/relationships via phone etc. , i was able to speak up freely to my friends in front of my mother.

Oh! and this was what I had for breakfast! day started out sweet too:) J-co donuts:) yum slurp slurp

 

 

 Went out to sell my blue oxford shoes to this gal, the shoes are in a very bad shape, there s like "cracks" at the sole, a tiny weeny hole and I sold it for 13 bucks:) ahahah, the girl said she didn't mind okay! But the shoes looks clean, hygiene level still there okay!  Following then, i had a mini meetup wif jialing, cuz she passed me my crotchet dress which I lend her for her friend's wedding. 

Shortly after, I went to amk for my piano "trial thingy" CUZ TOMORROW IS MY GRADE EIGHT PIANO EXAM so i needa be familiar with the piano and all.. yeah.. not very nervous now but i bet tomorrow I will be, very much! Had jap food for dinner! misses chawanmushi so much!!!     

                                                       

I was super duper emotional during my piano trial lesson, cuz it would be the last lesson with her:( actually, my teacher and I are not very close, we dont h2h or have meals tgt/ have any interesting memory, the only thing" interesting" was that she asked me to help her sell her ferrari stuffs on my blogshop. Though there is nothing to miss but her gracefulness, her elegance, her skills, will definitely be missed by me:( she always likes to "kaypoh" around my house, read letters on the dining table, search for a plaster HERSELF(and she used some disney princess plaster) actually, there are a few interesting memories though:(  since she has been teaching me for 8-9 years:( ohmygawd! yeah and obviously, me, this stewpid, weakling, cried too, before the trial practice, i was sitting there thinking about her and all (IM NOT LES), i was like stoning and all, teared a lil but that was when she has not arrived.However, upon seeing her my joy knew no bounds when i saw her, i think that is like the first time i felt so happy to see her:( 

after the trial lesson, went we were outside the studio already, she was saying something like will you be at home whole day.. all the best.. I didnt really catch it though, cuz i was crying already, luckily, i didnt tie up my hair, so i kinda looked down and she was tall so yeah... and "lucky" by jason mraz was played in that mall, so , the atmosphere was like sombre, lonely, sad. I tried t avoid her, I think she signalled me to walk with her but i pretended i did not c, so she took the lift while i pretended to look at my phone and texted.. :( haish. kinda secretly wished i failed this grade8exam and she will teach me again:( but is quite stewpid la! MISS KOH! I remember the last time when I had such feeling was also the few months after my breakup, i think i just cannot stand being apart from someone whom i know very long and all, what i meant by apart is forever not communicating with each other, not see each other etc. as i said previously, my piano teacher and i were not close at all so obviously, it would be awkward to meet her in the future:( 

 I WILL MISS YOU ALOT, MISS KOH:(

I was also thinking to sent her some happy teacher's day card or something:( 

" absence makes the heart grow fonder", though her "absence" is just a few hours ago, but yeah..